In the past year from the outside, my life looks quite the same. I am still unemployed and living in the same apartment in the same town. I have not joined any new groups or started anything new. And yet, everything has shifted. I have spent the past year letting go of what others think of me and looking to myself to determine what I think. I have tried to find the point, the meaning behind why things are the way they are. How did they get there? Why am I here? What is my purpose?
I feel like by saying I am looking for bigger meaning it gives off the air of lofty ideas. What I have found to be my meaning isn’t lofty. It is not big or flashy, but is meaningful to me.
The past year has been a journey. I started with religion, wound up weaving religion and religious ideas into my life. Looked towards other religions, other habits, other practices. In the midst of seeking guidance outside, I found it within. Only I can guide myself, because only I am myself. Yes, I have had help and others who help me navigate and give me a direction or a place to start, but ultimately I have done the work. I have gotten up again and again. I have found the time and the space. I have slowed down, accepted myself as I am and found what I view as my own purpose. I also have grown to realize that for me finding a purpose is essential. Yes, I can work for money and do things for some sort of external reward, but when push comes to shove meaning is what moves me. Meaning is what helps me see the reasons behind my life. Meaning keeps me going and growing. I look back at me a year ago and I have so much compassion, she really struggled. But me of today feels so much better regularly. Me of today loves her life, me of today trusts who she is and who she is growing to be. I keep thinking that each day I am done. Well, what more could there be to learn, and each day I learn oh, there is quite a lot more.
I want to say to anyone out there reading that yes, the road is hard. It may have lots of tears to get there, some days of just feeling blue, but there can be a light. I feel it now, an inner calm and peace that I did not have a year ago, that I couldn’t have imagined a year ago. If you are looking for greater meaning, keep going, because in my life this search has brought me more peace than I could have possibly known. I could give you names of people who have helped me and guided me, but here is what I do know, what I need and what you need might be the same but they might be different. I do not want to create false expectations that what worked for me will work for you, because it might but it also might not. In recent weeks, I have noticed something wondrous and surprising about humanity. I can see myself in everyone around me, I can relate and connect and see moments when I was there or felt that way, but I also realize we are different. We are the same as each other and we are uniquely ourselves, both can be true. All I can say is the journey is worth it. The time invested is worth it. Finding a purpose matters and even if nothing changes, changing your mind can change everything.