About, Moving, Musings on Life


Lake.JPGHere we are, in Manchester, in a New Year starting over again.

Deep breath, we can do this.

Over the years, the things that have made a place feel like home are a sense that I know where things are, but as I am someone who does not have a great sense of direction, that only comes in time and with major assistance from Google. For me to start over, I have come to realize that most of it takes time, months or years. All I can do is plant the seeds. I start with finding a church,  exploring the restaurant scene on our weekly date nights, searching for a book club, and determining a grocery store that I enjoy doing my weekly shop in.

One of the wonderful things about starting over so often is that you realize that it takes time, and you have the opportunity to restart and majorly shift your typical habits. At this point, I can change how we eat, what we do, our routine. Nothing is set in stone. The freshness of a New Year is still present, the buzz of new beginnings is still humming through my body. I can do this and I will. Not everything needs to be scrapped, I can keep what worked and change the rest. As much as there is new and exciting, there is also old and trusted. When we start the new year with a mix of both, a deep appreciation of what we have and an eye to what could be changed we understand that if nothing happened we would still be okay. We do not need the changes, we may want them or long for them, but on the way realize that they are not what we wanted. We are allowed to grow and change and change our minds.

As we enter this new year, remember that it is okay. You are okay and enough. Without knowing this on a deep level, we approach change from a place of seeking a savior, when we sometimes have to look within and save ourselves. See that we did not need change to be worth saving, to see that we are loved and enough today, even if we never leave the couch. The measure of our productivity is not the measure of our worth. The measure of our connectedness and rootedness does not define us. I am here, on a new path, and on a new adventure. As much as starting over starts to get familiar, my mind finds ways to make it feel harder. My brain compares and evaluates and wants to stay comfortable. Change feels harder than it actually is. All the daily actions will compound. I will find my way here in this new year and so will you. The journey we are on is enough, even if we never get to the destination. We are walking on a path and just that walk, each step on that walk is monumental. I know my ability to slow down and see that I am making it harder changes everything. It helps me to breathe and know and trust that it will be okay. I am not in control, I never was, I am a steward, but I am not actually in charge. I only do what I can and learn to accept the rest as it comes. I can be rooted without evidence of roots. I can be connected to the small moments. The walks, the way the sky shows the sunrise, and waking up to a morning of snow. I can find connection even if I choose to leave. My mind wants to treat this as a dichotomy, but this is not an either or situation. I can be connected and also leave. When my brain tries to convince me to disconnect, to not even try, to see it as pointless, I can recognize it sees the change as a danger that is not there. I know that no matter where I am located, no matter the place. I can make a place, if I just accept that I am myself and that is not location dependent I can realize that although it feels like starting over, it is really just continuing in a new place, with opportunities abounding. 


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